Emails not dispatchedstrictly editorial
March 16, 2007
This being the reply I would send, would like to send now, have been advised to send later. Ha. Kindness does not pay. That's another topic.
You said nothing about relocating. Instead, you skipped town without a word, having promised a check on a specific date. What was I supposed to think? We had a business arrangement. You have have reneged on the contract.
Please note that I submitted the manuscript on 14 December. The contract cited 29 December as the latest date by which the manuscript would be submitted. The difference is two weeks, not, as you keep suggesting, a month. If you recall also, in our initial meetings, you were anxious to have the manuscript back within a few weeks, which would have meant mid to late November. What an interesting change after the fact.
As to your disappointment with the edits and deletions in the final third of the manuscript, first, I discussed these with you in person, by email, and by telephone. You were aware, you said, that you had overwritten. I detailed them in the style sheet, which I submitted with the manuscript and identified in the contract. The final third of the manuscript was in fact the weakest. See the pertinent excerpt of the style sheet below.
I spent a great deal more time and work on the manuscript than I had anticipated doing even after the first read. I took care, not the careless approach you suggest. The manuscript —despite its solid plot and character development— was otherwise weak. Grammar was at best incredibly faulty, scenes were prone to hyperbole and overstatement and excessive length. You explained that you were aware of this. My job, we agreed, was to trim away the excess. We discussed this several times. You explained that this was precisely why you had hired me. I agreed. I went further to say repeatedly that the core of your story was solid, and that the work on the language was merited.
You thanked me, profusely, repeatedly. Now you complain. Is this to justify disappearing without a word and not paying a contracted invoice? It certainly seems that way.
NOTES & QUERIES
O = original, TC = track change version
O = original, TC = track change version
- Dangling and misplaced modifying phrases frequent and problematic. Edited to address without comment.
- Dialog throughout the manuscript is heavy on smiles and half smiles. Similarly, gestures throughout consist largely of hands on arms and grasping of arms. Simple deletion resolves both.
- Dialog throughout the manuscript also relies heavily on speakers pausing and continuing and leaning forward and back in their chairs. Minimized to avoid overuse.
- Dialog format changed from run-in paragraph to a paragraph per spoken line. Not only is this convention for the genre, but advisable when breakin in with a first novel in popular fiction.
- In places, the occasional omniscient narration is somewhat awkward. Edited to address. See comments in manuscript.
- Amanda first appears at the Eastman cocktail party (17 O, 33 TC). She is not introduced and her last name is not given. Adam angles for a second date. Some background needed.
- Adam’s cell phone rings in chimes the first time and later in loud claxon. Changed for appropriateness to character and consistency in manuscript.
- Post-blast New Orleans. Victoria’s exchange with the generals. Forsythe is a brigadier general. His superior is the mysogenist lieutenant general. Victoria addresses Forsythe as if he is the senior officer. Left Forsythe, gave lieutenant general the name of Thomas Cobbs. (122 O, 305 TC)
- Nigel is introduced at Camp David as if Victoria hasn’t met him. Problematic. (128 O, 321 TC)
- Davenport is at Camp David one day and four hours away by a 787 the next. No departure indicated. Needs to be resolved. See edit. (127 + 132 O, 318 + 331 TC).
- Air Force One scene (133 O, 332 TC) heavily edited, much deleted. See comment in text for detail.
- Deaths occurred in the autumn. Funeral procession cannot be winter. Edited weather details accordingly.
- Radically reduced the lying-in-state and funeral scenes in chapters 20 and 22. They do not —as a whole— contribute to the development and unfolding of the plot or the characters. For the reader and the story more generally, too much information and too off-tempo from the rest of the novel. Combined chapters 20-22 after reduction.